National Lampoon Sports Minute

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.

Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.

The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.

Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.

After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.

Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP’s female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP’s male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.

And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.

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