Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Airtran Airways dropped Michael Vick as their spokesman. They also fired Marcus Vick from their baggage department.

A study of retired NFL players found that those who had at least three concussions had triple the risk of clinical depression. And becoming sideline reporters.

Bengals WR Chad Johnson’s horse racing publicity stunt is the first time a Bengal has tried to outrun anything not in a police car. Though there might be a cop on the horse just in case.

Elsewhere in horse racing, the breeding rights to Kentucky Derby winner Street Sense were auctioned to the highest bidder. Congratulations Madonna!

Roger Clemens will finally play for the Yankees this week, as they need a DH.

In basketball news, 74-year-old Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested for DWI. If you had to pay Kwame Brown $8.2 million per season, you’d have a few drinks, too. The 1AM traffic stop also found a 23-year-old female passenger. Which makes us wonder why she wasn’t the one who was wasted.

Cavaliers fans are excited about LeBron James’ new baby, who should be able to come off the bench for 5-10 minutes a game.

And Michael Jordan complimented Lebron James for taking a “big step forward” by leading the Cavs to the NBA Finals. Though Jordan’s money is still on the Spurs.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It’s uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain’s career.

Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?

Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.

Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It’s not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.

Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.

Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.

And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they’ve always been a Mickey Mouse operation.

A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it’s the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.

The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It’s the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.

In football, Washington’s Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.

Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?

Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.

Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.

And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds’ career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they’re slightly smaller than the size of his head.

Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.

According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.

Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.

The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.

Update on the NHL playoffs: they’re still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.

And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men’s sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.

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I just want to wish my Mom, Grandmother and all the mothers out there, a very Happy Mother’s Day. It’s your day, sit back and relax and let the rest of your family cater to you.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week was the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg crash. To commemorate the event, the Dallas Mavericks cleaned out their lockers.

The Yankees signed Roger Clemens to a one-year contract giving fans who set fire to their Clemens jerseys a chance to buy new ones. We look forward to next year, when we get to see which team Clemens retires from.

Across town, a fan has been banned from Shea Stadium after pleading guilty to shining a high-powered flashlight at a pair of players. Kansas City offered him season tickets, since the Royals haven’t had a bright spot in years.

In another incident at Shea, a Mets fan filed suit after a 300-pound man fell on her at a game. It’s the worst thing to happen to the Mets since Juan Samuel.

Phillies pitcher Freddy Garcia was injured in a collision with an equipment cart. This season, everyone is hitting Freddy Garcia.

HBO is producing a six-part miniseries about the 2004 World Champion Red Sox. Jimmy Fallon has already begun laughing on camera.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has touched on the possibility of a Super Bowl outside the United States. Assuming everyone’s parole officers let them leave the country.

And Warren Sapp reported to Raiders Camp 50 pounds lighter and can now be weighed by conventional equipment. When asked how he did it, Sapp told reporters he skipped lunch.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

NBA commissioner David Stern is thinking about adding several teams in China. Spud Webb can finally realize his dream of playing center.

Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas was seen getting cozy with model Tyra Banks at New York’s Club 66. If that’s what 33 wins gets him, imagine who he could be dating if his team was any good. Perhaps Thomas should be featured on her show, walking around the city in a Rangers uniform to see how a winning coach feels.

Speculation has increased that Heat forward Antoine Walker may retire, which is what we thought he did during half the games this season.

A new study suggests that more than 40 percent of NASCAR fans are women. The survey could be wrong, however, as differentiating between male and female hillbillies is often impossible.

Campbell’s spent $58 million on ads for Chunky Soup last year. $56 million of that was spent on feeding Jerome Bettis in between takes.

Boxer Acelino Freitas quit in the ring for the second time. Evander Holyfield? Tommy Morrison? Are you paying attention?

Writers are saying the Mayweather Vs. De la Hoya megafight could return boxing to it’s former glory. It will be so much like old times that neither one of them will get to keep any of the white people’s money.

And Yankees’ pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered a split nail on the middle finger of his throwing hand. Tragic, as that’s the finger he needs to communicate with fellow New Yorkers. George Steinbrenner is livid, as there’s nothing worse than having an injured Wang.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

FSN Northwest will not renew a broadcast deal with the Portland Trail Blazers. The network has decided to move away from amateur athletics.

Speaking of amateur athletics, the Boston Celtics severed ties with guard Sebastian Telfair after he was arrested with a loaded gun in his car. Too bad – Telfair was the only shooter on the team.

Lenny Wilkens has been promoted from vice chairman to president of the Seattle SuperSonics. Apparently, he was the fifth caller. Congratulations, Lenny – that’s the equivalent of being promoted from 1st mate to captain on the Titanic.

In baseball, Milwaukee Brewers manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone while jogging. Thousands of midwestern sports fans plan on using the incident as an excuse to work out even less. A Brewer collapsing. Wow – is it July already?

Deceased running back Damien Nash’s brain has been donated to science. What a blow to Pacman Jones, who has been waiting for a brain for some time now.

Parry O’Brien, the 3-time Olympic shot putter who founded the spinning technique, died at age 75. His last words were, “UUUGGGHHHH!!!” His ashes were spread at sea, precisely 75.3 meters from the boat.

And a man in jail for the last 25 years became the nation’s 200th inmate to be set free because of DNA evidence. Also this week, O.J. Simpson had a great round of golf.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week marked the beginning of the NBA playoffs. Or as the Hawks call it: vacation time.

Elsewhere in basketball, Upper Deck Authenticated’s new Kobe Bryant action figure is so realistic you can’t even get the ball out of his hands.

Fox featured San Diego State alumni Mark Grace, Jeanne Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy on the same program. We’re not sure what’s stranger; the fact that all three broadcasters attended the same school or the fact that three San Diego State grads actually managed to find jobs.

Texas Rangers closer Eric Gagne is back on the disabled list, upsetting the one fantasy owner who picked up Eric Gagne. Gagne blames his newest injury on the rehab work he did at Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Cubs broadcaster Ron Santo is in the hospital while undergoing tests for an irregular heartbeat. What brought on the palpitations? Following the Cubs.

Detroit Tigers first baseman Sean Casey flew home recently to find his car up on cinder blocks with the windows smashed in. Authorities have ruled out Manny Ramirez, who is incapable of hitting anything.

Justin Timberlake announced that he’d like to play professional golf. Joey Fatone is excited, as he was looking for a new job caddying.

And the Indianapolis Colts visited the White House. President Bush was happy for the change of pace – meeting an offensive line instead of uttering one. Bush was presented with a #43 jersey, commemorating his status as America’s 43rd president, as well as all 43 states.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Top NFL draft prospect Amobi Okoye admitted during interviews at the NFL combine that he has used marijuana. Teams are now wary of drafting him, as they now have to factor in the price of all those Cheetos.

Barry Bonds is continuing his pursuit of Hank Aaron. Let’s hope all of this success doesn’t go to his head. His massive, melon shaped head.

In basketball, Detroit Pistons guard Flip Murray says three gunshots were fired into his home by a pair of masked men. All three shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been Antoine Walker.

SuperSonics majority owner Clay Bennett has announced that Seattle will no longer have a basketball team beyond the 2007-08 season. The news shocked fans, who thought the Sonics stopped playing basketball in the late nineties.

Curtis Strange and Hubert Green have been elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. The news was greeted by a very quiet and polite round of applause.

Friends report that reality star and wrestler Hulk Hogan has been quarreling nearly nonstop with his wife. Luckily no one has been hurt as all of their fights are heavily choreographed and planned out in advance.

David Beckham has been selected as the sexiest dad among a list of sexy entertainers and athletes. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp did not win, despite 75 of his children casting ballots.

And Nike took out a full-page ad in the New York Times thanking disgraced radio host Don Imus for bringing the issues of race relations and sexism to the forefront. The company also plans on throwing a parade for John Rocker. Imus’ joke has also led to a lucrative book deal for the Rutgers coach Vivian Stringer. The book is tentatively titled, “Acting for Beginners.”

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