The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot, who won the Boston Marathon by outrunning the rest of the Kenyans. We’re tired of Americans losing every marathon, and are starting our own. The course will be nine miles and can be driven.

Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano’s girlfriend will be photographed for Maxim. Unless she gets injured first.

In basketball, Tim Duncan was given a technical foul and thrown out of a game for laughing at a call while on the bench. Officials feared for their safety as it’s the first time Duncan has ever smiled.

Georgetown juniors Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert will submit their names for the NBA draft but will not sign with agents. That’s great news for savvy NBA teams who are looking to sign the players for $15 a piece.

Turning to football, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was arrested at a night club for refusing to pull up his pants. Mr. Griffin, there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior, and that’s on a cruise with the rest of your team.

Tennis star Andre Agassi hit wife Stefi Graf in the face with a tennis racquet during a charity event. Crazy what married people are into. In related news, Agassi ex Brooke Shields is no longer depressed.

And a 102-year-old woman has become the oldest golfer to ever record a hole-in-one. The woman was thrilled once she learned that she was golfing. She’ll be even more thrilled when they tell her again in 20 minutes.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Denzel Washington’s son will make his NFL Europa debut for the Hamburg Sea Devils. Well done, Jackie Robinson! Denzel said he is very proud of his son for making it as a European football player, and he’s such a good actor that he said it convincingly, too.

In American football, Drew Bledsoe finally retired – from being benched. Unfortunately he’s already being benched from retirement in favor of Jake Plummer.

Suspended Titan Pac-Man Jones was ringside for his best friend Zab Judah’s fight with Ruben Galvan, mainly because he’s got nothing else to do. Thankfully, the fight was not in Vegas. Now that the suspended Tennessee Titan has the year free, may we suggest he try his hand at acting. First audition? The Longest Yard-Part II.

More trouble from the Imus scandal as new tapes reveal that he also said the Rutgers women’s basketball team was “from New Jersey.”

And the Chicago Blackhawks will have the first pick in the NHL Draft. The Blackhawks plan on using the pick to draft a new franchise. Either that or to draft fans that care.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Snowstorms forced the Indians to play the Angels in Milwaukee. Fans at Miller Park were thankfully too drunk to tell the difference.

Elsewhere in baseball, Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton will miss his second straight season because of elbow surgery. Eric Gagne is suing for plagiarism.

Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery pleaded guilty to conspiracy in a multi-million dollar bank fraud scheme. Too bad – Montgomery was planning to use the money to buy more steroids. Authorities plan on giving the sprinter five to ten years behind bars – if they can catch him.

The 300-pound, slow moving Florida manatee will be removed from the endangered species list and will instead play line for the Miami Dolphins. Although if he can pitch, the Padres are also interested.

A Slovenian man broke a world record by swimming down the Amazon River in 65 days, and is still furious with his travel agent. Americans would be more impressed if we could locate Slovenia on a map. Or the Amazon.

And UCLA’s legendary basketball coach John Wooden has been hospitalized with a stomach problem. Doctors say the problem started after Wooden watched Yoakim Noah shoot a free throw. Doctors are optimistic, however. If Wooden survived the bling-bling era, he can probably pull through anything.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

International players now make up 29% of Major League Baseball. So if you’ve gotten an American education, that’s more than half. The New York Mets have the most international players on their current roster with 72,000. Half of Boston’s roster is foreign born, but they all get bussed in.

In Louisville, the saddle worn by last year’s Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is expected to fetch the highest bid at a charity auction. Expected to fetch the lowest bid? A large bottle of glue.

CFL running back Ricky Williams has applied to be reinstated in the NFL, after using up all the pot in Toronto. Scouts are skeptical, as Williams has already taken way too many hits.

In basketball, Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas will likely miss the rest of the season after knee surgery. Many Wizards fans wish they could be so lucky. Arenas’ injury is unfortunate, as he is the best team in the Eastern Conference.

And two 43-year old former world champion boxers squared off this week. The two were told to touch gloves, keep it clean, and put a coat on – it’s cold out. We’re looking forward to next week, when the winner takes on Max Schmeling.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Sammy Sosa on making the Texas Rangers opening day roster. Thankfully for Sosa, most restaurants in Arlington do not charge a corkage fee.

Those watching a recent Cubs-Diamondbacks game were treated to a rare sight: a female umpire. Just what ballplayers need – an official who remembers the details of every single argument, and will also bring up arguments from previous games.

In basketball, LeBron James cheered up his teammates after their loss to the Knicks by taking them to a topless bar. His plan worked great – it was the most focused the team has been all year long.

Injured superstar Dwyane Wade practiced for the first time in 6 weeks and should be ready for the playoffs, assuming the Eastern Conference bothers to show up.

Golf Digest did not include Trump International Golf Club on its list of “America’s 100 Greatest Courses.” Reviewers didn’t like the way the sand traps had been combed over. And the casino on the 12th hole is just gaudy.

The NFL has cancelled an exhibition game in China between the Patriots and Seahawks, disappointing the millions of Matt Hasselback fans in mainland China.

And NFL League owners have voted 30-2 to make the video replay system a permanent officiating tool. In related news, NFL League owners have voted 30-2 to make the video replay system a permanent officiating tool. The Detroit Lions will not use the replay system, as they always make the same mistakes anyway.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Former major league pitcher Ugueth Urbina has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family’s ranch. Urbina is still thankful he doesn’t have to play for the Cubs. No one was actually killed in the incident – and we thought Urbina was a closer.

Yao Ming’s basketball jersey is not among the top sellers in China, mainly because all those jerseys look alike.

The NBA and the Cleveland Cavaliers have said that LeBron James will no longer be allowed to have his son sit on the bench. David Wesley is thrilled, as he will get his seat back. James also just finished building a massive house that includes a theater, bowling alley, casino and barber shop. The house is so cool, you almost forget the front door is located in Cleveland. When James retires, he can sell the place and buy a studio apartment in New York.

Turning to college, the son of North Carolina State basketball coach Sidney Lowe faces more than 20 criminal charges from two separate attacks. Authorities predict he could be sentenced to 25 years on the Cincinnati Bengals.

Former Bears LB Steve McMichael has been named the head coach of the Chicago Slaughter, a seven-man indoor football team. McMichael said that it’s one notch below arena football, which makes it three notches below Rock-Paper-Scissors.

And four men have been arrested after part of a man’s ear was bitten off during a Greece/Turkey soccer brawl. Mike Tyson has since apologized. This kind of soccer hooliganism is more common in England, since a human ear is a nice alternative to British cooking.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The World Chess Federation says it’s going to start testing for performance enhancing drugs. Like No-Doze.

In cricket, a pathology report has indicated that Pakistani coach Bob Woolmer died of manual strangulation. Latrell Sprewell was unavailable for comment. It’s believed to be the biggest sports choke since the 2004 ALCS.

Major League Baseball mandated each team watch a film on the dangers and consequences of steroid use. In an interesting twist, the film was projected on the back of Barry Bonds’ head.

Basketballer LeBron James has acquired a minority ownership of Cannondale, a manufacturer of high-end bicycles. It’s nice to see James will have something to fall back on in case this whole basketball thing doesn’t work out. James has been advised to invest wisely, so that when he retires, he will be able to put gas in all 8 of his private planes.

At the world swimming championships, the United States won four gold medals and set three world records. The United States has the second most powerful swimmers in the world, just behind Tom Brady.

And inspired by his brother’s performance on Saturday Night Live, Eli Manning will begin working with a comedy troupe: the Giants minicamp. Eli also proposed to his girlfriend of five years this week which frustrated Giants fans: they are still waiting for Manning to come around. Congratulations, Eli – this is probably the only ring in your career.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Oakland Raiders receiver Randy Moss was seen asking O.J. Simpson to pose with him for pictures at a Miami hotspot the other night. It’s nice to see that Moss has finally found a role model he can look up to.

President George W. Bush honored the University of Florida’s football team with a ceremony on the White House’s South lawn. It was a joyous gathering of dozens of guys who wear helmets and one who probably should.

In college basketball, this year’s NCAA tournament is expected to pull in more than $500 million in TV advertising revenue. Wow – the NCAA hasn’t seen that much money being tossed around since Chris Webber. Wow, $500 million. That’s almost as much as it costs to go to USC.

The Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson both support Colorado’s decision to make their new state song “Rocky Mountain High.” Really high.

The Nintendo Wii’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour ’07 is being called the most realistic golf game yet. It’s so realistic that viewers are guaranteed to fall asleep halfway through. Ahh, video game golf. Where every button is the snooze button.

In baseball, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested Thursday on suspicion of drunken driving after police found him asleep inside his running SUV. Turns out his drowsiness was simply brought on by listening to replays of last year’s World Series.

And a woman previously charged with stalking announcer Bob Uecker was asked to leave a Milwaukee Brewers’ spring training game yesterday. The woman is believed to be suffering from psychological problems and extremely bad vision. She is also a self-described Brewers fan, yet another sign that she’s insane.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Don’t expect Bob Knight to retire anytime soon. A few minutes after losing to Boston College, the Texas Tech coach was already talking excitedly about the new batch of recruits he’ll get to choke next season.

Boxing promoter Don King secured an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican this week. Apparently, King wanted to know where to get a hat that big.

44-year-old boxer and possible nutcase Evander Holyfield defeated Vinny Maddalone with a TKO. After the fight, Holyfield said he would reclaim his heavyweight title and “I wonded.”

ESPN has agreed to carry the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship. It was either that or hockey.

In football, former Steeler Linebacker Joey Porter allegedly punched Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones at a Las Vegas blackjack table. Porter could face a year in jail or worse, finish his career in Miami. Police immediately arrested Jones because he’s on the Bengals.

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. It’s nice to see that Manning is finally getting some television exposure.

And Michael Vick opened a new winery and restaurant that is the first of its kind to serve marijuana residue in a water bottle. Though it’s known as “The Tasting Room,” we prefer to call it “Bongs N’ Beaujolais.” Vick admitted he was reluctant to get involved with the restaurant business, but in the end he simply couldn’t pass.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in
Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said,
“Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?”
She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”

The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”
She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”
The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week
and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.”
She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.” They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”
She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!”
The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”
She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles,
10 in all!”

The Father said, “That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?”
She replied, “E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.”

[youtube Ka2yzYOONRM nolink]

At O’Malley’s Pub, Johnny O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the lovely legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “Because of you I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And just what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary”. She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. “Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”