One stormy night in Boston, the city that years later would be come the epicenter of the sports universe, the Duke who ran the local baseball team decided that it was time to cut ties with ‘Roid Boy, the team’s biggest star.
See ‘Roid Boy had taken on the body of “Flounder” from “Animal House”. And in the words of “Dean Wormer”, or maybe they were the Duke’s words, “fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son”. But ‘Roid Boy felt if he could add a lot of money to that maybe he would come around again and be the pitcher he once was. And if he didn’t he still would have a lot of money.
So they kissed goodbye, or maybe they just glared at each other and, just like the “Journey” song, they each went their separate ways. ‘Roid Boy in his search for riches wandered across the border. No kids he didn’t end up at Taco Bell, although that is possible, he found himself in of all places, the land they call Canada.
Drunk on maple syrup and full of Canadian bacon and Molson ‘Roid Boy scoured the landscape looking for a paycheck. It was Toronto, home of the hockey hall of fame, where he would find some Canuckistani to pony up nearly $25 million, American of course, over three years. So he took his family from their double wide in the rural backwoods of Houston and moved them into the Super 8 by the airport in the new land of Canada. Most specifically Ontario.
It was here that ‘Roid Boy would the meet a man who was willing to jam him in the ass. And ‘Roid Boy liked it. He liked it so much he wanted it more often. He even told the man he didn’t have to be gentle any longer to just give it to him good.
For two years the man stabbed ‘Roid Boy in the ass. ‘Roid boy grew stronger and more resilient and won games and awards and then in a fit of ‘Roid Rage demanded that the team who gave him money when no one else would trade him to the Evil Empire. ‘Roid Boy had gone mad.
Meanwhile in Boston, the Duke also crossed the border. But like the terrorists he did it through Vermont and found himself in a land whose language he couldn’t speak. It was called Montreal. In this wonderful city of hockey and hookers the Duke remembered they had a baseball team. Then once his brain warmed up enough to think he remembered “hell I used to work here!” The Duke jumped for joy. He wasn’t sure why but he did and it was the first known case of premature jumping. Medical geniuses’ worldwide have still yet found no cure for this affliction.
While wandering around the Duke decided he would call some old friends and after a fine dinner of moose in maple syrup with pine cones and Molson he came back to Boston with a new friend. This friend he said was in his prime and would dazzle the people of Boston for years to come and lead them to a World Series. The Duke would be right. But kids that’s a story for another time.
Meanwhile the Canuckistani’s would trade ‘Roid Boy to the Empire for a fat, drunk guy who looked like Santa Claus and a direct descendant of two American presidents. ‘Roid Boy would also bring the man he met in the place they call Ontario to the N-Y-C. The man would continue to give it to ‘Roid Boy in the ass and he would even try to get some of ‘Roid Boys new Empirical friends, namely a dude called HGH Man, to do it too.
Years would pass, championships would come and go and ‘Roid Boy and HGH Man, would pack up their syringes and illegal substances and move back home to the backwoods of Houston in a land they call Texas. It was here that they would continue their friendship with the man and while they ate barbecued cow and drank Lone Star ale the man would keep giving it to them in the ass.
‘Roid Boy felt invincible, while HGH Man felt bad and stopped doing it. But ‘Roid Boy loved being a pincushion, loved the power, lived forthe rage and he was pissed that he they wouldn’t let him throw bats at opposing players any longer. Missing the soft gentle kisses of Alex and Derek and after looking for love and money in all the wrong places they longed for the Empire and both would end up back in NYC holding hands, singing Cumbaya and showering together.
Then one day the man was caught in a trap and had to talk and he talked about ‘Roid Boy and HGH Man. HGH Man trying to be honorable came clean. And like the teenager who just got caught by her parents getting laid, he admitted to doing it, but only a few times and he most definitely didn’t like it.
Meanwhile, ‘Roid Boy had some guy wearing a dead animal draped over his shoulder and another on his head issue a denial. That was the last we heard from ‘Roid Boy.
The legend says ‘Roid Boy is hiding in a place called the Astrodome, eating a box of old hot dogs and stale popcorn and drinking flat fountain soda as he goes stark-raving man. But don’t feel bad for ‘Roid Boy for he did it to himself.
Meanwhile the Duke lives in the luxurious mountains of Massachusetts living a good life of baseball and performing in community theatre musicals. Who knew the Duke could sing?
Kids the moral of the story is, never let a man you barely know stick anything in your ass.
