Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
An Open Letter to Appalachian State Fans
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Congratulations! Last week, you pulled off one of the greatest upsets in the history of sports. Since then, your merchandise has been on back order, your website crashed due to all the traffic, and your 16,000 seat stadium is sold out for the first time. Way to go. You’ve really put Boone, North Carolina on the map. Enjoy it, because any day now, you’ll wake up and remember that you’re in Boone, North Carolina.
It is true that you won a football game. But consider that tomorrow and for the rest of your college career, you will be attending classes on a remote mountain top while the Wolverines will be in Ann Arbor, home to the largest population of hot slutty chicks north of the Mason-Dixon. Ann Arbor has so many hot chicks you could still get laid if you were a paraplegic midget wearing an Appalachian State shirt. Seriously, if you can’t get any in Ann Arbor, cut it off.
Actually, looks like Boone is getting a hot chick, because your rigorous admission standards allowed that idiot miss South Carolina to enroll there next fall. That’s right – all it takes to go to Appalachian State is a complete disregard for knowledge and the utter inability to make sense. The Mountaineers may have won in Ann Arbor, but they’re going to lose in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as. I’m surprised she can spell Appalachian State, let alone enroll. It’s nice that you put Boone on the map – now if only more U.S. Americans had maps. That girl is so dumb your football players are going to end up tutoring her.
Yes, you had your way with the Michigan Defense like they were an attractive cousin after a box of wine. But the reason everyone is going so crazy over your win is because normally you suck. You’re one of the best teams that the I-AA subdivision has to offer. Which makes you the 121st best team in the country. Yay. Look, the Kansas City Royals have a team MVP every year, but you don’t see him bragging. The only thing this victory did was prove that moonshine just might make you invincible.
Yes, you took down Goliath. Congratulations David, but you’re still I-AA. That’s three steps up from intramurals. It was great that you won the game – and maybe you’ll do it again when you go back to playing community colleges. That blowout this weekend against Lenoir-Rhyne College was something. All 16,000 people in attendance must have really enjoyed it. 16,000. That’s adorable. More people go to hockey games.
Michigan may have been ranked number five when you beat them. But this weekend’s loss to Oregon clearly shows that Michigan was not a true number five. I wish you were playing USC this Saturday so you could be knocked back down a peg. You’d fare as well against the Trojans as Miss South Carolina would on Jeopardy. Forget Jeopardy – that girl wouldn’t make the cut for Wheel of Fortune.
“I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat. Is it ‘The Iraq’?”
You’ve got two alumni in the NFL right now. Michigan had more than that go in one round of this year’s draft. Michigan has won eleven national championships and your division isn’t even eligible to compete for one. Michigan could lose every game for the rest of the season and they’d still be the winningest college football team in history. Remember what you were doing last year when Michigan was playing in the Rose Bowl? Watching the Rose bowl. Yes, you’re the two-time reigning I-AA champions. I’m sure Lenoir-Rhyne College is jealous.
Yes, it was embarrassing for Michigan to lose to you. But that’s because you’re not an actual college football team. Were you normally any good, that game wouldn’t have even made sportscenter. If the Knicks lost to the Rutgers women’s basketball team, it’d be a big story, too. The headlines would all read “Nappy Headed Hos Lose to Rutgers.”
Everyone cares because you suck so much. So bask in your temporary non-suckiness because pretty soon you will fade into the answer to a trivia question. Maybe Disney will make a movie about your improbable ability to win a pre-season non-conference exhibition game. It could star Hannah Montana as Miss South Carolina, and Cuba Gooding Jr. as the retarded fan who thinks this game actually matters in the long run.
Enjoy the moment, because that’s what this is – a moment. When it’s all over, you’ll have to be content with going back to being simply a good academic school. With your classes in Ainglish and the History and everywhere like such as.
