During the NESN pre-game show tonight Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino announced that NESN game analyst and former Red Sox player Jerry Remy AKA The Rem Dawg has been appointed acting interim President of Red Sox Nation. Remy, already the President of Rem Dawg Nation, now will be wearing another hat as the leader of all things Sox.
President Remy, a Somerset MA native, will serve until the end of the year when a general election will be held for President of Red Sox Nation. The President started his major league career in 1975 as a second baseman for the California Angels. In December of 1977 he was traded to the Red Sox for pitcher Don Aase when it was found that Aase didn’t believe in the notion of “The Nation” and for his safety was whisked away to the west coast in exchange for a native New Englander.
Our fearless leader played for the Sox from 1978 until his retirement during spring training in 1986 due to several knee injuries that were most likely caused by a conspiracy out of the Bronx. In 1988 he joined NESN as the game analyst working along side legendary broadcaster Ned Martin and has also worked with Sean McDonough, Bob Kurtz and currently with Don Orsillo. El Jefe has won four Emmy Awards for his stellar on air work and was recently inducted in the Red Sox Hall of Fame. The Rem Dawg also has a couple popular side businesses. The Remy Report website (www.theremyreport.com) is a site about all things Remy, Red Sox, New England Sports and many other things. Through the website our leader runs contests, sells Rem Dawg merchandise and organizes charity events like blood drives. In addition to the site, the commander in chief also owns “Rem Dawgs” on Yawkey Way, a specialty hot dog stand outside Fenway Park. Rem Dawgs, also serves as the on location set of the pre-game show when it’s done live from Fenway Park. It is now to be revered as the rose garden of Red Sox Nation.
With our greatest free thinker now installed as “El Presidente” we need to be more concerned for his safety. So with this we will need an extensive background check done on Orsillo, who has already tried to influence the chief executive into making him Vice President of the Rhode Island Chapter of Red Sox Nation, as well as Wally the Green Monster. I mean how can you hide in the damn wall for one hundred years when Manny is always in there trying to take a leak. Are you telling me that Manny, Mike Greenwell, Jim Rice, Yaz and Ted Williams “never” saw Wally in all those years? We will also have to request a full security sweep of Tropicana Field in Tampa and that “Raymond”, the Devil Rays mascot, be stripped searched with a full body cavity search. This can be done by Orsillo to prove his loyalty to President Remy.
Also on the list of possible enemies and shady characters and in need of a body cavity search or at very least an anal probe with a hot rod:
George Steinbrenner
The Bird (that damn Orioles mascot)
The Phillie Phanatic
Grady Little
D.Baxter the Bobcat (Diamondbacks)
Dinger (Rockies)
Mr. Red
Don Zimmer
Billy the Marlin
Peter Angelos
Dan Douquette
Mr. and Mrs. Met
Bernie Brewer
Roger Clemens
Fredbird the Redbird
LMonstro
The San Diego Chicken
Chief Wahoo
Joe Buck
Tim McCarver
Joe Morgan
The Rally Monkey
Mike Benjamin
Mariner Moose
Rangers Captain (who maybe seeking revenge for comments made earlier this season), Johnny Damon and BJ Birdie.
We would have included the Yankee mascot, Dandy, but he was beaten into submission by a crowd during a game in 1980 and was never seen again.
All Hail the Rem Dawg, as he leads Red Sox Nation into the future.
