The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot, who won the Boston Marathon by outrunning the rest of the Kenyans. We’re tired of Americans losing every marathon, and are starting our own. The course will be nine miles and can be driven.
Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano’s girlfriend will be photographed for Maxim. Unless she gets injured first.
In basketball, Tim Duncan was given a technical foul and thrown out of a game for laughing at a call while on the bench. Officials feared for their safety as it’s the first time Duncan has ever smiled.
Georgetown juniors Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert will submit their names for the NBA draft but will not sign with agents. That’s great news for savvy NBA teams who are looking to sign the players for $15 a piece.
Turning to football, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was arrested at a night club for refusing to pull up his pants. Mr. Griffin, there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior, and that’s on a cruise with the rest of your team.
Tennis star Andre Agassi hit wife Stefi Graf in the face with a tennis racquet during a charity event. Crazy what married people are into. In related news, Agassi ex Brooke Shields is no longer depressed.
And a 102-year-old woman has become the oldest golfer to ever record a hole-in-one. The woman was thrilled once she learned that she was golfing. She’ll be even more thrilled when they tell her again in 20 minutes.
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