The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Snowstorms forced the Indians to play the Angels in Milwaukee. Fans at Miller Park were thankfully too drunk to tell the difference.
Elsewhere in baseball, Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton will miss his second straight season because of elbow surgery. Eric Gagne is suing for plagiarism.
Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery pleaded guilty to conspiracy in a multi-million dollar bank fraud scheme. Too bad – Montgomery was planning to use the money to buy more steroids. Authorities plan on giving the sprinter five to ten years behind bars – if they can catch him.
The 300-pound, slow moving Florida manatee will be removed from the endangered species list and will instead play line for the Miami Dolphins. Although if he can pitch, the Padres are also interested.
A Slovenian man broke a world record by swimming down the Amazon River in 65 days, and is still furious with his travel agent. Americans would be more impressed if we could locate Slovenia on a map. Or the Amazon.
And UCLA’s legendary basketball coach John Wooden has been hospitalized with a stomach problem. Doctors say the problem started after Wooden watched Yoakim Noah shoot a free throw. Doctors are optimistic, however. If Wooden survived the bling-bling era, he can probably pull through anything.
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