The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Former major league pitcher Ugueth Urbina has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family’s ranch. Urbina is still thankful he doesn’t have to play for the Cubs. No one was actually killed in the incident – and we thought Urbina was a closer.
Yao Ming’s basketball jersey is not among the top sellers in China, mainly because all those jerseys look alike.
The NBA and the Cleveland Cavaliers have said that LeBron James will no longer be allowed to have his son sit on the bench. David Wesley is thrilled, as he will get his seat back. James also just finished building a massive house that includes a theater, bowling alley, casino and barber shop. The house is so cool, you almost forget the front door is located in Cleveland. When James retires, he can sell the place and buy a studio apartment in New York.
Turning to college, the son of North Carolina State basketball coach Sidney Lowe faces more than 20 criminal charges from two separate attacks. Authorities predict he could be sentenced to 25 years on the Cincinnati Bengals.
Former Bears LB Steve McMichael has been named the head coach of the Chicago Slaughter, a seven-man indoor football team. McMichael said that it’s one notch below arena football, which makes it three notches below Rock-Paper-Scissors.
And four men have been arrested after part of a man’s ear was bitten off during a Greece/Turkey soccer brawl. Mike Tyson has since apologized. This kind of soccer hooliganism is more common in England, since a human ear is a nice alternative to British cooking.
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